Transparency

I’ll try my very best to be concise and cut down on tortured metaphors; this is just a general life update. It’s hard to tell where to begin. You guys really have to forgive me because it’s a fine line between my life that I experience every day and what I tweet, but not everything crosses it.

• One of my photos is being auctioned for charity at an alumni event at the university and a few others will be displayed. Woo!
• I’ve well and truly lost track of who all knows I’m gay now. People have seen Grindr on my phone, I let my friend tell his girlfriend so they wouldn’t have secrets, and I haven’t been that secretive in general. I think it’s well and truly out of my hands at this point and I’m okay with it so far.
• I visited my old university the weekend before last. It was a strange experience, it was the same but different.
• I almost came out to my father last week but it didn’t end up happening.
• Last weekend through a strange turn of events a girl crashed in my bed with me. I’m not sure what she was expecting but nothing happened.
• I went on two dates with a guy. While we were out getting coffee a friend saw us and came over and talked. Though I didn’t call him my date or anything similar I introduced my friend to him without flinching. He was great and all but there were no sparks and I had to break it off with him.
• I have an impending date with another guy sometime. He asked me out to coffee. I obliged and he said he’d do the best he can to work out a time that he’s not busy, but that hasn’t kept him from texting me everyday for a week. I like this guy a lot better so far, I guess we’ll see.
• School has also been keeping me crazy busy, midterms are this week and next week.
• Overall, things are fantastic.

It was funny, I had the strangest thought this morning which started me thinking on how I’ve ended up here. I was in the kitchen eating a croissant and drinking tea. Talking to my roommate about nothing in particular while she packed her lunch, I stared at the bread as she slathered extra chunky peanut butter on it. All of the sudden I realized how much my life has changed in the past three years. Right at the end of my junior year in high school my best friend took an interest in a girl in our AP english class. Things developed between them and I wasn’t sure how to feel about her at first. I used to give her grief about things like what type of ice cream she liked or whether she liked cats or dogs. The one that I hassled her for the most for was that she liked chunky peanut butter. I’d say things like, ‘Yeah, you know, I’m not sure I can be friends with someone who likes chunky peanut butter.’ It was all in good fun of course. If I could have talked to that Kaleb I doubt I could’ve even convinced him he would be where I am now in three years. Back then I thought I knew everything. I knew which school I wanted to go to. I knew who my friends were. I knew I would never tell anyone that I thought I might be gay. I knew that my life wouldn’t take a huge detour. Ignorance truly was bliss back then. I went on with my life as I thought I knew it. I found myself at the university I knew I’d go to. I’d more or less understood I was gay at that point, still not out to anyone. Then out of nowhere the universe hit me with a left hook. It’ll be ten months to the day tomorrow. Ten months since the day I realized I couldn’t live the rest of my life like I had been. In the last ten months I’ve come out to ten people personally and over twenty people know that I’m gay. I’m in a new city at a new university with new classes and a new degree program. I’m in a new house (new to me anyway) with old friends. I’m making new friends and I’m experiencing new things with old friends. I’ve gone from not even being able to say the word gay to going on dates with guys. I’ve gone from shaking when I even blogged about being gay to almost coming out to my father. I think I’ve finally truly accepted myself. I know that even if I had the choice to be straight right now, I wouldn’t take it. I’m done lying. I’m done hating myself for no reason other than being me. I’ve come to a realization. If I don’t make myself transparent then not only am I keeping secrets in, but I’m keeping the world out. I was starving myself of life itself. My whole world was so stagnant before I broke down that dam. Life is just too short. I’m so thankful I came to this realization when I did: To get on track for my happy ending all I needed was a new beginning.