Brink

As I sit typing I’m laying in my new bed, in my new house, in my new town, going to a new school. Looking into my bright laptop has left everything except the screen black. It’s the strangest thing, it wouldn’t take much to convince me I was somewhere else right now. Maybe I’m back in my old dorm room bed down at my last university, avoiding homework as usual. If I try I can conjure the sound of my former roommate’s breathing or his favorite music playing. Or maybe I’m back in my bed at home. There’s a cool breeze blowing and the air here is dry just like a July mountain night.  No.  I can’t really believe that. If I listen I can catch a bark from one of the dogs, the blare of a far off siren, or a plane taking off. The A/C has a different sound, the floors creak, and this new mattress is too soft for its own good.  

It’s like a dream. It’s like I’ve been running through a forest and suddenly I don’t remember how I got here. I’ve been running too long to find my way out. But I can’t stop now, it’s after me. That simple truth that I first uttered eight months ago has grown into a monster that follows me everywhere. The cute fluffy little lie that I used to be able to ignore got eaten by this beast I let loose from myself. You want to know the worst part? I continue to feed it. Ever since the truth came out I’ve fed that beast on a diet of those two words. Suddenly, after a few modest meals, this monster is bigger than I can handle. I’ve found myself running. My ever present companion has become my ever present pursuer. To top it all off, what I’ve always feared has finally happened: others have been feeding the beast.

I’ll admit it, I’ve been holding out. I personally have old two more friends in the past month or so. It wasn’t anything special so I didn’t see the point in making a fuss. The two people I’m counting are actually a brother and sister. They’re the two siblings in my ‘second family’. They’re amazing people. He’s your stereotypical A-type personality, egocentric jock. He was captain of the football and hockey teams, drove a fast car, got all the girls, etc. But he’s really a great guy. I’ve known him forever but we weren’t great friends until high school. He’s occasionally an ass but he doesn’t judge and he’s there for you when it counts.  She is one of those absurdly nice people. You know she could get anything she wanted but she cares more about making others happy. You can’t go anywhere with her without her stopping and talking to someone she knows. She’s also one of the least judgmental people I’ve ever met.  Both are pretty mundane stories, a lot like the rest. I told her first and him a few weeks after. Both were told while we were driving around. She was pleasantly surprised, he hadn’t considered it but wasn’t surprised. Both were very okay with it. I was stone sober when I told her, I was drunk when I told him. Both were happy I told them. She was surprised that I didn’t tell her sooner, he was surprised I’d told him this soon. Both asked who I’d already told. She was impressed and proud, he said he’d beat up anyone who had given me shit before.  I love those two to death.

But as I said, I’m not the only one feeding the beast these days. Lo and behold, what I’d feared finally happened two weeks ago. It was the last week in town before most people, including me, went back to school. I decided to tell my ‘brother’ I was gay that Thursday night. I’d been drinking and blah blah blah you know the story. Friday night was plenty of fun too but I only saw my friend in passing. He invited me to a kegger at his place the next night, I obliged. Fast forward to saturday night. I had a lovely time at a barbeque then went over to the kegger. A while later I’m manning the keg with my ‘brother’ and in between filling red solo cups he decided to drop the news on me. “I’m sorry, and you’re going to be mad at me, but I told C___....  I just had to have someone to talk to.” Not only did the color drain from my face, but I felt like the whole room went black and white. Everything was in slow motion. I lifted my head and shifted my gaze from the keg to look at him. He had the most interesting look on his face. He was drunk and rosy cheeked with a smirk on his mouth and shame in his eyes. The words that I mustered were, “I’m not mad.” I guess that was mostly true because I still don’t know how I felt, or even feel currently for that matter. Long story short after that I got unjustifiably drunk, blacked out, and woke up on the ground two miles from home. I’m a fucking idiot. I did get a chance to talk to C___ though, even if the conversation was only, “Are we good?” “Of course.” Since that night I’ve talked to my ‘brother’ and though there wasn’t much to be said we talked and I feel better for it.

The second time the beast was fed was at my request; I asked one of my roommates to tell another one of my roommates. It went well, or so I hear, but I feel like a damn coward. I have legs to walk on. I have eyes to look into. I have a mouth that I can speak with. All I had to do was go to my roommate, look her in the eyes, and say the words. It’s too late to worry about it now but it was a good lesson for the future.

I’ll be honest, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of running from the beast. I’m tired of being lost. I’m tired of having to feed the thing that I fear most. The day where I’m going to have to own up to that beast is fast approaching. I’m waiting for the day when I can stop looking behind me, when I can stop running. But that’s the whole point, I need to turn around and and face it. Because it’s not some dark shadowy demon that I’m being chased by, it’s me. How can the truth ever come out if I don’t face it? How can I come out if I don’t let the truth catch up to me? Maybe I’m not lost, maybe I’m exactly where I need to be. Maybe this is where I take my stand. Maybe this is the point of no return. Maybe it’s time for me to stop talking and start acting. But I definitely have more to gain than I have to lose. I definitely have some work to do. I definitely can’t turn back now. And I definitely have to go over the brink.