Well here we are, I’ve neglected to tell this story for a while even though it’s now rapidly becoming old news for a few of us. Some of the details are crystal clear in my mind while others escape me. My memory isn’t perfect and these conversations here are not what was said verbatim. Forgive me if I leave out some detail or become unclear, words aren’t really my strong suit and often fail me.
It was a dark and stormy night, literally. A snowstorm had rolled in the previous day and stayed there, as they often do back home, and we were coming up on 8” of snow. It was the Sunday before most of our friends headed back to school so we had arranged to meet up. My friend had a keg of IPA that was on it’s last legs and was going to go flat soon so we did what any good friends would do and helped her out. The five of us made dinner, drank beer, and watched a movie. At the end of the night we had some hard goodbyes and we parted ways. Because of the weather I said that I would take my friend, let’s call him Ryan, home. Ryan and I live in a sort of suburb that’s about fifteen or twenty minutes from town. The length of the drive was exacerbated by the road conditions, which were poor, but nothing I hadn’t seen many times before. Like I said before, the idea of coming out had hit me right before finals week last semester. I knew that I had been acting a little differently since the idea struck me, but I didn’t think anyone had noticed until Ryan said something. I guess saying goodbye to my friends sort of compounded with the funk I was already in and it was enough for him to ask that question. “Has something been on your mind lately?”
Before I go on let me get some back story in here first. I’ve known Ryan for years, we even go to school together. I had already decided that I was going to tell him first and had tried two days earlier and bailed out. I got to the point where in my best ‘I have something to discuss’ voice I said, “Hey, Ryan?” “Yeah? What’s up?” “...Well..........nevermind, it’s nothing.” “I’m not sure if it really is...” “It can wait, just nevermind.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll tell you later.” That incident was probably also a contributing factor in his asking.
So there we were, driving through the snow in the middle of the night. Just as the tires sank into the snow my heart sank in my chest. I was staring at the disappearing tracks in the snow made by the last car to drive the road and he was looking right at me waiting for an answer. I might have shrugged it off and evaded the question like before but I think my tongue was still a little loose from the beer. I knew that this was going to be it, but I didn’t just come out and say it. I asked him, “Do you think ignorance is bliss?” “What do you mean?” “If you had a choice whether or not to know something that might change your opinion or change our friendship, would you really want to know?” (pause) “Ignorance is highly overrated. I think the truth, no matter what it is, is always better. Always. Why though? You didn’t go and kill someone, did you?” After some assurances that I hadn’t killed anyone or done anything morally objectionable we were almost to his house. We both knew time was up and he said, “Well, last chance to get this off your chest.” I was shaking, my palms were sweaty, I felt sick. We came around the corner and his house was in sight. “I’m gay.”
An hour passed in that moment. I felt the 4-wheel drive working, I counted the lights on the street, I read the street sign and translated it to English, I felt like I could hear the cylinders in the V8 in front of me firing one by one. Then Ryan looked away from me and simply said, “Oh...” Then a lifetime passed. All of the ‘what ifs’ that i had conceived and a few more started ricocheting behind my eyes. I thought I was going to go crazy in my own head. He looked back at me and said, “Really?” I forced myself to nod tentatively and the word that fell from my mouth was, “Yep.” The car came to a stop in front of his house with some mild help from the ABS. Again, “Oh...” But this time he followed it up with, “Well that’s cool.” The relief that washed over me felt at least twice as good as the breath of air I finally allowed myself to take. The rest of the conversation was still a little strained and odd but it felt great to be open. For the next twenty or thirty minutes we talked while watching snowflakes fall and melt on the windshield. Truthfully I think he did most of the talking. We talked about how long I’d known, why I picked him first, who else I was going to tell, how certain people would take the same news, why he was surprised, and a variety of other topics. Eventually, we had to split ways. He opened the door and stepped outside. He looked at me and said, “I’m the same person that you knew an hour ago, and you’re the same person that I knew. I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Thank you.” He just nodded and shut the door. After a moment of sitting in silence I turned on my headlights and the windshield wipers. All the water and slush that had accumulated was swept away. I could see the road in front of me clearly and after I took a deep breath and chuckled to myself, I peeled out.
It was a dark and stormy night, literally. A snowstorm had rolled in the previous day and stayed there, as they often do back home, and we were coming up on 8” of snow. It was the Sunday before most of our friends headed back to school so we had arranged to meet up. My friend had a keg of IPA that was on it’s last legs and was going to go flat soon so we did what any good friends would do and helped her out. The five of us made dinner, drank beer, and watched a movie. At the end of the night we had some hard goodbyes and we parted ways. Because of the weather I said that I would take my friend, let’s call him Ryan, home. Ryan and I live in a sort of suburb that’s about fifteen or twenty minutes from town. The length of the drive was exacerbated by the road conditions, which were poor, but nothing I hadn’t seen many times before. Like I said before, the idea of coming out had hit me right before finals week last semester. I knew that I had been acting a little differently since the idea struck me, but I didn’t think anyone had noticed until Ryan said something. I guess saying goodbye to my friends sort of compounded with the funk I was already in and it was enough for him to ask that question. “Has something been on your mind lately?”
Before I go on let me get some back story in here first. I’ve known Ryan for years, we even go to school together. I had already decided that I was going to tell him first and had tried two days earlier and bailed out. I got to the point where in my best ‘I have something to discuss’ voice I said, “Hey, Ryan?” “Yeah? What’s up?” “...Well..........nevermind, it’s nothing.” “I’m not sure if it really is...” “It can wait, just nevermind.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll tell you later.” That incident was probably also a contributing factor in his asking.
So there we were, driving through the snow in the middle of the night. Just as the tires sank into the snow my heart sank in my chest. I was staring at the disappearing tracks in the snow made by the last car to drive the road and he was looking right at me waiting for an answer. I might have shrugged it off and evaded the question like before but I think my tongue was still a little loose from the beer. I knew that this was going to be it, but I didn’t just come out and say it. I asked him, “Do you think ignorance is bliss?” “What do you mean?” “If you had a choice whether or not to know something that might change your opinion or change our friendship, would you really want to know?” (pause) “Ignorance is highly overrated. I think the truth, no matter what it is, is always better. Always. Why though? You didn’t go and kill someone, did you?” After some assurances that I hadn’t killed anyone or done anything morally objectionable we were almost to his house. We both knew time was up and he said, “Well, last chance to get this off your chest.” I was shaking, my palms were sweaty, I felt sick. We came around the corner and his house was in sight. “I’m gay.”
An hour passed in that moment. I felt the 4-wheel drive working, I counted the lights on the street, I read the street sign and translated it to English, I felt like I could hear the cylinders in the V8 in front of me firing one by one. Then Ryan looked away from me and simply said, “Oh...” Then a lifetime passed. All of the ‘what ifs’ that i had conceived and a few more started ricocheting behind my eyes. I thought I was going to go crazy in my own head. He looked back at me and said, “Really?” I forced myself to nod tentatively and the word that fell from my mouth was, “Yep.” The car came to a stop in front of his house with some mild help from the ABS. Again, “Oh...” But this time he followed it up with, “Well that’s cool.” The relief that washed over me felt at least twice as good as the breath of air I finally allowed myself to take. The rest of the conversation was still a little strained and odd but it felt great to be open. For the next twenty or thirty minutes we talked while watching snowflakes fall and melt on the windshield. Truthfully I think he did most of the talking. We talked about how long I’d known, why I picked him first, who else I was going to tell, how certain people would take the same news, why he was surprised, and a variety of other topics. Eventually, we had to split ways. He opened the door and stepped outside. He looked at me and said, “I’m the same person that you knew an hour ago, and you’re the same person that I knew. I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Thank you.” He just nodded and shut the door. After a moment of sitting in silence I turned on my headlights and the windshield wipers. All the water and slush that had accumulated was swept away. I could see the road in front of me clearly and after I took a deep breath and chuckled to myself, I peeled out.
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