2

It’s been two weeks now since I told my second person in real life. Even though it didn’t go badly, this time wasn’t quite as easy as the first. I was much more nervous for a variety of reasons, though I can’t totally explain why. Again, I’m sketchy on some of the specific details and don’t quote me on exactly what was said that night.

For the purposes of the story, this friend’s alias will be Mike. So Mike and I are old pals, very old pals. It’s coming up on six or seven years we’ve known each other. Junior high, high school, college, the lot. We’ve been through the thick and thin. Even though we don’t have one of those warm and fuzzy talk about our feelings sorts of relationships, we understand each other. He knows I’d do anything for him, and he would do the same. I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t want to tell him first and told Ryan instead (see previous post). I’m not even sure if I would have told him yet if I wasn’t on a timetable of sorts. You see Ryan, Mike, and I are all moving in together next semester. We’re in progress of finding a place now because we want to sign the lease at the start of the summer. I thought it would be best for him to know before he made any commitments to live under the same roof. I knew that he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but I consider it a matter of respect and I needed to do it.

Two weeks ago last night. Like a lot of nights, Mike and Ryan and I had dinner plans. As it happened, Ryan had to leave town on somewhat short notice the earlier that day. After almost drunkenly and unceremoniously blabbing my secret to Mike the past Saturday I had been searching for an opportunity all week. When Ryan canceled I seized the opportunity and told Mike that I still wanted to go to dinner anyway. It was a meal of mediocre Thai food and pleasant conversation recollecting on the good and bad decisions of the previous weekend. We pieced together foggy memories, laughed, and made plans for the next weekend. Later on we found ourselves back at his place because I was picking up some textbooks that I was going to borrow. I was lounging on the couch doing nothing in particular, he was on the computer. The dread was washing over me, wave after wave of gut wrenching thoughts of what I was about to do. I was tense the whole night. Unlike last time, I knew hours in advance and didn’t have any drinks to loosen my tongue. I had texted Ryan earlier and told him not to let me chicken out. After the fourth of so message saying, “Did you do it?” I worked up the courage.

At an appropriate pause in the conversation I took a deep breath and said, “Mike, how long have we known each other?” “A long time” “So, I’d have to do something pretty awful for you to hate me or lose respect for me right?” He turned to look at me and his tone instantly became much more serious. “Where is this going?” It was every bit the reaction I was expecting. “It’s really nothing. No big deal. Not a problem. Nothing bad. Nothing serious. Nothing to worry about.” I was tripping over each word. I was futilely spouting babel because each second I was repeating myself was one more second that I had before saying it. Each word I spoke that was meaningless was a word that wasn’t one of those two I dreaded to say. I was dancing around the truth that was right there. He was still looking at me. “Well... I’m gay.” Unlike the first time that I spoke those words to someone, the response was almost immediate. “Well that’s a horrible look on your face.” With all of the situations I imagined in my head, I never once imagined him saying that. I realized that my face had a horrified grimace on it, which probably made me look like a guillotine was about to come down on my head. Trying to relax I cracked an awkward smile. I managed to say, “Yeah, well...” He had long since gone back to doing what he had been doing on the computer and said, “I won’t say that I hadn’t thought about it once or twice.” It’s funny, Ryan was totally floored when I told him, but I almost think Mike saw it coming. He’s not easily surprised to begin with. After that he got quiet. I elaborated on why I told him, that Ryan knew, why I picked that night etc. It was especially awkward for a moment there when I tried to explain why I told Ryan first and I didn’t really have any good reasons. I don’t think Mike was upset, he doesn’t really get upset, but I could tell he was curious. The conversation was unfortunately mostly one sided. Although, he did say one thing that I remember perfectly. It could have been the only thing he said for all I care. “I don’t see that it changes anything.” to which I replied, “Really?” He nodded, “You’re shaking.” It was my turn to nod, “I know.” After the short interchange was finished I picked up the books and thanked him. It wasn’t the books I was thankful for in that moment. On my way back I texted Ryan saying ‘Done’. The reply came back, ‘Atta boy.’