What a wild few weeks it has been. I’ve got more to say in this post than I usually do so, I’ll just jump right in I guess.
Better places. What does that mean? Better is such a human word, it such a human concept. It seems like we humans especially always want what’s just a step ahead. Bigger, faster, stronger, newer, more, BETTER. It’s really rather childish if you think about it, “But mooooom, I wanted TWO scoops of ice cream.” However the word can be used in contexts other than garishness and gluttony. What about bettering ourselves? Bettering our community? Bettering humanity? Sure there are plenty of positive uses for better. It’s definitely an enticing and seductive concept, the idea that the grass is greener on the other side.
I’ll admit, I kind of hit a rough patch about a week ago. It was one of those times that you can’t help but overthink things. I ended up falling into an old habit of putting all my problems in one pile and wallowing in it. It all started the sunday before last. The saturday night before we decided to have a poker night that ended up getting a little wild. I had a great time and so did everyone else. Though afterwards I got home sleep didn’t come easy, I had stressful dreams. They weren’t nightmares, I don’t get nightmares. But since starting coming out to people I’ve been having way more dreams where I’m trapped or lost or being chased. Anyway, I get up with a raging headache on sunday and my mom came in shortly after and tells me that my grandfather died in the night. Needless to say, I didn’t go complaining about sleeping poorly that night. I know, I know, you’re sorry for my loss, your condolences, blah blah blah. Please don’t take that harshly, it might sound callous but I’ve heard it too many times in the last few days. My grandfather was a great man and was well liked so there’s been no shortage of sympathy lately, especially with all the feeling sorry for myself that I did. And on top of that, my sister was (and still is) out on assignment fighting some of the bigger fires we’ve got burning around here. It was just one of those days. It brought me back to some of the other sundays I’d spent similarly back at school, those especially were the days that I’d feel like I was in way over my head. I’d have spent all weekend partying trying to forget my problems. Then on those sunday evenings I’d sit at my desk and look out the window. I’d watch the jets streaking across the sky making contrails, all the people on them were going somewhere, and I’d sit in that chair wishing I was anywhere but there. I wished that I could cross the fence to where the grass is greener.
I’m trying to make it there. I’ve taken two steps in that direction since summer started in the way of coming out to two friends. These weren’t so difficult so I’ll spare you the usual play by play. The first friend I came out to almost immediately after break started because it’d been on my mind since spring break. This is another guy that I’ve known for years. He’s the most polite and kind hearted person I know, he won best to take home to parents back in high school. Anyway, I was driving him home after we caught a movie with some friends. We neared his neighborhood and I asked if we could drive around the block once. He obliged. I did my usual song and dance, “How long have we known each other?” etc. I said, “And what if I was gay?” “Are you gay?” “Yeah.” “Then nothing. It doesn’t make a difference.” I couldn’t help but to be relieved even though I knew he’d take it well. The one thing that I really loved was, because he’d been playing it so cool, I asked him if he was all that surprised. He replied, “I didn't necessarily suspect, but I think that if I was surprised it'd mean we weren't very good friends.” We had already driven around the block by this time and he kept telling me to take a right or take a left trying to give us more time to talk about this and that. It wasn’t an especially long conversation, I’d told him I wouldn’t keep him because he was leaving for Denver in the morning. But after it was all said and done I pulled up at his house and he shook my hand and said goodnight. He texted me an hour or so later saying, “It means a lot to me that you trust me that much. If you ever need/want to talk about it more, I’m always here. Love you man.” I don’t deserve the friends I’ve got.
The girl I told yesterday went about the same way. She got back from school on monday and we had a longstanding date for coffee on tuesday. I’d told her there was something I wanted to talk about two weeks ago.We grabbed our coffee and walked over to the pond. We chatted about odds and ends stuff for about thirty minutes or so. Then I told her. She thought I was joking at first, which I guess in itself is a little funny. But there’s not much to say, we just talked for a few hours. She was totally fine with it, totally supportive. We talked about all of the usual topics: the parents, other friends, the future, the past, next steps and so on. She offered to get me in touch with some of her gay friends at her school. Little does she know, I already have an awesome support network. Though I still might take her up on it, I have yet to decide. But she did invite me to go with her to the local pride parade this month, we’ll see about that one too.
Do you want to know the other cool thing about the word better? It’s one of those linear words. You can’t have something better if you don’t have something to start with. So better implies moving forward, step by step. I think my favorite usage of the word ‘better’ is probably when it’s used as ‘it gets better’. Those three words are so powerful, so hopeful. But for it to get better I’ve got to keep moving forward. I’m not particularly religious but I do think my grandfather is in a better place, wherever he is. It’s a bummer that he’ll never really know his only grandson, but c’est la vie. We’ve all got to keep moving and taking the next steps to ‘better’ if we aren’t there already. We can’t let ourselves pile up all our problems and let them get in the way. We can’t let ourselves get lost either, sometimes you just have to make your own road. So I’ll keep moving on, step by step. I'll move forward until I find those greener pastures, those promised lands, that better place.
